State of Disbelief

I've been having a quite stressful three days. Things are failing out of plan. My level of frustration is at a high tide. It seems that everything I try to do I fail at. But I realize this morning that these feelings result from expectation, waiting, and the changing of life. I need to believe and have faith in my ability to succeed in every task, mentally feeding myself the proper nutrients of self-confidence in the form of verbal affirmation TO MY SELF. I always thought I needed that from others, but I realize at this juncture, about to leave for Chile and feeling antsy about it, this is the most important time to shine and love.

Deciding not to live at the Copycat has its pros and cons. Here I have mental clarity, the ability to focus, and the space to do so. But I lack my friends, the motivation/inspiration they offer in a renewable feedback loop, like the water cycle of the earth. And so it is with all cycles. It is especially sacred to me that I share such relationships: mutual and giving, with my close friends. I feel that level of respect with them, which is a truly meaningful thing, and something I will sorely miss while I'm gone.

I woke up this morning with an intense pain and cramp in my lower neck and right shoulder area. The pain abruptly drove me out of a dream where I was being scolded for eating too much jelly. In the dream I sat and spoon-fed myself, while my mother condescendingly scolded me like an tantruming child. I think the pain was a result from such a painful dream, my body reacting to stop the negative thoughts, the embedded self destruction that I must accept has been a part of me for much too long. I must accept and let go. I don't want to bring these aspects of myself to Chile.

I've also been reconsidering whether the immersion program is a good idea or not. My father says its much too expensive for a thing you would learn most easily: language. I think I'll go and see how I feel after a month or so of exploring, then decide on the program.

Here's to a better day and the loss of my neck cramp!